Herky-Jerky Edition

Does this make more sense from *this* angle?

Ever have those days when you wonder, “If I look at it this way, maybe it will make more sense.” And yet still the Republican world makes no sense to me…

Whatevs.  I report, you decide.

Well, the good news is that the longer I wait between posts, the fewer candidates there are to worry about on the Republican side.  We ditched Bachmann almost immediately when she finished dead last in Iowa and she threw her support to Ron Paul. Uhhh, watch your back, Ron. She’s looking for a Veep slot, I think. No seriously, ’cause word is she isn’t running for re-election in Minnesota –a bright spot in this whole debacle. And oh, Iowa?  Count those votes again, maybe you’ll come up with ME as the winner. Mrow.
Google MeGuess it doesn’t matter ultimately though since no one seems to know how Iowa’s caucuses are related to, oh, say, actual delegates at the GOP Convention. Okay, Santorum. You win. Go you. Thanks, Iowa.  Now he’s insufferable.

New Hampshire winnowed out Huntsman, who finished third, but decided that his ticket to ride was back home. On his way out he endorsed fellow Mormon Romney (Is that like Highlander? In the end there can be only one?) And with him goes the last chance for any semblance of sanity in this race.

Perry corndogThen South Carolina peeled away Perry. Sadness.  A lot of good reality-TV type antics and Holy Roller nonsense leaves the race with him, and frankly I just can’t see Paul and Santorum stepping it up to be quite the brand of cuckoo-bananas that Bachmann and Perry were. Still he kept things interesting to the end, throwing his God-given support behind the MOST family values, MOST God-riddled, MOST holier-than-though candidate possible, “She turned me into a Newt….A Newt?…I got better….” Gingrich. In my humble opinion Perry helped him into a win in South Carolina. How else to explain the bizarre 40% that Newton took in the Palmetto State? Even paleo-cons like Daniel Larison know he’s toxic: “Republicans are faced with an unfortunate predicament entirely of their own making: they can rally behind the Republican Bill Clinton to try to stop Romney, or they can nominate the liar.”

Keep your forked tongue behind your teethWait, we’re talking about the same Newt, right?  The doughy guy who used to be Speaker of the House before he was charged with 84 ethics violations, fined $300,000 and forced to resign in disgrace? That guy?  The one who led the impeachment charge against Bill Clinton while he himself was five years into an adulterous affair with Callista Bisek while still married to Marianne Ginther, who had been diagnosed with MS? That Newt? The one who asked Marianne for an open marriage so he could keep boffing Bisek, but continued to give pretentious, holier-than-thou speeches on family values? The sleazy, self-righteous boor with a bilious disposition?

For those of you who sat through  the South Carolina debate, Old Grimr Wormtongue may have defined a whole new level of hypocrisy.  Jon Stewart’s take on the debate from Monday night isn’t posted yet, but look for it here by Tuesday.

Ahh, there’s so much more.  I had wanted to shine a light on Old Sanctimonious and Looney-Paul, but there’s time yet.  And there’s Florida.  Oh Florida.  Where Wormtongue is enjoying a surge.  Savor it now, ForkTongue. The voting public is a fickle beast.

And if you’re looking for some amusement, try the NY Times’ hilarious interactive Stump Speech analyzer. It helps you ID the key concepts and catchphrases each candidate like to employ.

There will be more on “Schmerz in my Mittel” Romney soon, I promise.  Don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten him.  I’m just aghast that Newt  Wormtongue is enjoying such resurgence. Don’t worry. I’ll get over it. In the mean time. Leo sends along this lengthy but absorbing background piece on Mittens. Well worth a read.

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Obama's story
…and I can sing Al Green. (Thanks to Dina for the link!)
Newton Leroy Gingrich-Testa di cazzo

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Colbert SuperPACIt’s a bird…it’s a plane…it’s SUPERPAC

And in case you’ve been missing out on Stephen Colbert’s wicked wicked ways, early last year, Colbert started his own Political Action Committee, under the tutelage of (for real) former Federal Elections Commission chairman Trevor Potter. What has ensued has been a hilarious, revelatory and highly disturbing sashay through the latest changes in campaign law–ones that allow for unlimited money to be poured into political campaigns with little-to-no checks on what these organizations can do. Colbert’s commitment to the perfect satire knows no bounds– he testified in front of the Federal Elections Commission (for real) and everything. And he was granted to right to form the Colbert SuperPAC.

Colbert transfers his SuperPAC to Jon StewartWhen Colbert discovered that, according to a Public Policy Poll, he was leading John Huntsman in South Carolina, Colbert predictably decided he should explore a presidential run.  But wait, Stephen, admonished Potter, you can’t have a SuperPAC and be a candidate. And so, vested with the right to do so under the unbelievably simplistic– nay, moronic– rules of SuperPAC-dom, Colbert  transferred the awesome power of his SuperPAC to none other than Jon Stewart.  Watch and learn, my little PACsters. It’s a civics lesson and comic genius all rolled into one.
Now remember, a SuperPAC may not coordinate with a candidate (Wink, wink, nudge,nudge, Say no more! A nod’s as good as a wink to a blind bat…), and yet, they are clearly in support of certain candidates, even if the candidates themselves are frustrated by their inability to control messaging. But if you want to know which SuperPACS go with whom  (and who has come up with most glurge-istic, flag-waving, freedom-ringing, barf-worthy names), take the Washington Post’s quiz. To find out more about campaign finance, CNN has this handy primer. Be warned, you’ll want to smack your head repeatedly against the table when you read all this.

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***IMPORTANT ALERT***

Folks, I’m going to email the rant for one more edition, but after that it will only be available by subscribing on the WordPress blog via the link in the upper right corner of this page. So if you’ve been enjoying the Rant, if you want to keep following it into the deep dark jungle that is an election year, please subscribe directly. You’ll still get your Rant in your inbox, but it makes it easier for me if I can post and email all in one swell foop. Thanks!

And if you are enjoying things please feel free to pass the link along to your friends. I only bite the heads off of ridiculous primary candidates occasionally and there’s rarely any blood…

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Grousy Cat sezGROUSY CAT SEZ:
Hakuin used to tell his pupils about the Grousy Cat who snoozed at a local teashop, praising her political acumen. The pupils refused to believe what he told them and would go to the teashop to find out for themselves.Whenever Grousy Cat saw them coming she could tell at once whether they had come to give her a scratch under the chin or to find out who she was voting for. In the former case, she would graciously purr if they rubbed under her chin. In the latter, she would beckon to the pupils to follow her behind a screen. The instant they obeyed, she would swipe them with her left paw. Hard.Nine out of ten of them could not escape her swat.
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About ME's Political Rant

Ranting politically since 2008. View all posts by ME's Political Rant

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